Diana Banana Pancakes

August 18, 2005

When did I become so bitter?

Filed under: Uncategorized — dianabananapancakes @ 1:25 am

I looked back, re-read posts, realized a lot of it is whining, bitching, complaining, feeling sorry for myself…look back in my journal, my one I used to write in, good old pen and paper journal…when did it happen? When did I become so bitter? So unhappy? So cynical? I’m still me, I still have my happy moments, but lately, in the last few years, I’ve slowly become cynical, envious of what others have, impatient to find what I want, when did this happen? I’ve been in a mood today…one of those moods that make me cry when I think of what I can’t have, what I want and don’t have…feeling sorry for myself…

I know many people who have things much much worse. I have had a hard time financially lately, the pressures of being a single parent, trying to do the best by my child, while being put down by other people who will remain nameless, seeing friends of mine happy and doing well financially…I’ve felt bitter and cynical and sad and lost…when did this happen? When did I start vocalizing it? I’m a happy person when it comes to the small things, but lately other things have taken me down, people have said things that I let affect me, and my patience and breaking point are both slowly dwindling…I need to get away, like I said in the other blog, need a break, need to get away, need to rejuvinate and free myself from my responsibilities if only for 24 hours…I need a good cry to release my stress, I need to stop pretending like I can handle it all when in reality I just want to cry it out. Does that make me weak?

I know people close to me now who have things worse…but out of my friends, I seem to be the one who lets the stress get to her, unless they are better at hiding it than I am…but my stress has been building and building for years, its not that I can’t handle stress…I think I’ve just handled it by myself for so long, and when someone who truly cares comes along and asks what I need…how can they help…to let them in, talk to them…I think it breaks me down, breaks down my wall of resistance against the stress and I feel so completely vulnerable and feel overwhelmed suddenly when I try to talk about it. I think that’s what’s been happening here lately, between the divorce and my financial situation, and a dear friend wanting me to open up and talk about things…the stress overflowed to the point of crying. I can’t handle stress when I have to talk about it, but if I don’t talk about it, it builds up. One day, I would like to just drive away, take my son to my parents or his dad’s and just drive all day and all night and go away and leave my life behind for just 24 hours, and come back rejuvinated and ready to start again. I just need a break.

The guy I’m seeing, he has his stress under control, he doesn’t let it get to him like I do, and with all his stress, he still wants to comfort me, to help me make it better, even though he can’t. What a sweet guy he is, he offers to help, even if it just means holding me…when he has his own stresses to deal with, more than I have. He said he’s just had more practice at dealing with stress than I have, so I tease its because he’s older than me so he’s had more years to practice, haha. He makes me smile and laugh. He’s good people.

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