Diana Banana Pancakes

December 28, 2005

Anxiety…

Filed under: Uncategorized — dianabananapancakes @ 3:31 pm

I am feeling anxious, stressed…something…I feel like at any moment someone somewhere is gonna give me bad news that I am not prepared for…

Maybe its my worry over Shane who had a stroke on Christmas eve. They have his blood pressure stabilized, but he’s still in ICU…its been 3-1/2 days since his stroke…and he’s still in ICU, still can’t talk right, still has no control of his right side of his body/face, and still can’t walk. Shane – 33 years old, has been in my life since 5th grade. My mom and his mom used to be waitresses together, they became best friends, their husbands became best buds…Shane’s mom became my god-mother..Shane and I had a little “relationship” if you can call it that in 6th grade, haha. You know “will you be my girlfriend? check box yes or no…” that kind of relationship, before you really know what boyfriends and girlfriends are, haha. That was Shane. Shane who is now like a brother to me…I still am in shock. I got another e-mail this morning from his sister-in-law and learned there is still no change, still in the ICU…please continue to pray for Shane.

Maybe its my worry over going to the city with Ian to see his family on his dad’s side. Maybe the fact that Ian’s father called this morning, asking when I was gonna be in town, the man who hasn’t called in over 1-1/2 months, except on Christmas afternoon to say Merry Christmas and tell Ian Merry Christmas. He said he’s gonna be there, and I’m not really looking forward to that, not sure how Ian’s going to react to not seeing his dad after 2 months (hasn’t seen his dad since Halloween weekend). I’m not sure how to act, what to say. I have questions, I want answers, but I don’t want to make Ian stressed more than he probably is. The last time ex disappeared from Ian’s life for a long period of time was 3 months, and Ian had a hard time adjusting to seeing him again, he was almost afraid of going off with his dad, was OK if I was in the room, but as soon as I left the room he would cry, but that was a year ago. I asked ex where he’s been for the last month, and he said its a long story and he’ll tell me in person. According to my sis-in-law (er, ex-sis-in-law, whatever) she said he told her he’s been working in Maryland for the past week, but she isn’t sure she should believe him or not, so we’ll see what he tells me.

Maybe its the fact that I haven’t seen Country Boy since Friday when he came by long enough to drop off Ian’s Christmas present, a big beanbag chair, and give us both a quick hug, a peck on the forehead(????) and then off he went to pick up his son…and I haven’t heard from him on the phone since that day. Of course, my mind wanders with thoughts of maybe he just isn’t that interested. I know his work has sent him to Ohio for 2 weeks…but I haven’t heard one single word from him. He has a cell phone, unless he forgot it, which he’s a bit forgetful at times, but still…The last time I saw him before this past Friday was the FRIDAY BEFORE THAT! So, in almost 2 weeks I’ve seen him for a total of about 20 minutes…and talked on the phone for about as long. I’m getting very discouraged. Its not like I’m “hanging on” to him because I don’t want to be alone. Believe it or not, this fat girl does have a few guys who want to meet her, one in particular who I met after I started seeing Country Boy, and this guy and I have talked online and on the phone several times since, and if I didn’t meet Country Boy first, I would’ve met him instead. I tried the “dating around” thing and it got too complicated, so I thought this time around I’d concentrate on one guy at a time. So, its not like I’m staying with Country Boy to avoid being alone, because I do have other guys who I wouldn’t mind meeting and who want to meet me, so its not that at all…I just like Country Boy and just in the last month things have gotten so damn hectic with his work…but I’m starting to think he’s just not that interested because, I don’t know, if I have a guy who I’m interested in, I keep in touch at least, an e-mail, an IM, a phone call…SOMETHING. I could deal with not seeing him so much if we could at least talk on the phone, but he doesn’t even seem to have time to call me. A few times he called me last week and was so worn out that he fell asleep on the phone…snoring and all! I just feel like if he’s not that interested, I’d rather know and move forward. He’s the one who threw the “boyfriend” and “my girl” words around, not me. I guess I just have to decide if I’m willing to put up with this or not. A male friend of mine said I should give him till the beginning of February (that gives him time after his project in Ohio is done) and see if he’s still as hard to spend time with, then decide. If he was a jerk or something, I’d have not put up with this lack of time spent, its almost worse than a long distance relationship, because at least in a long distance relationship you can TALK on the phone. Its wierd, and I’m feeling anxious about it, too, I think.

All these things going through my mind, making me feel anxious or scared or unsure or something…I hate feeling that way.

Please send prayers to Shane, he needs all the prayers he can get.

I’ll update on our visit to ex’s family, we leave in about an hour…

Have a good day everyone.

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1 Comment »

  1. I am wondering, only because I had a guy do this to me, if that is his way of backing off because Maybe, just MAYBE he has more feelings for you then he wanted to have… Have you ever thought about that. I had a guy do that to me…he really didn’t want to get too “involved” so we kicked it for a while and then he started really diggin me so he would back away because it scared him…myabe cowboy is skeered????

    Comment by Greta — December 29, 2005 @ 7:25 pm | Reply


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