Diana Banana Pancakes

February 9, 2006

This is just LONG

Filed under: Uncategorized — dianabananapancakes @ 10:57 am

Well, last night I saw Country Boy. He called me about 15 minutes after I got home, said he was in town for the day to work, but right now was waiting for a driver to go with him to look for some parts at the other plant, this plant had ordered the wrong parts. He said he has about 15 minutes until the courier gets there and wanted to know if he could stop by. I said yes.

He stopped by, Ian was home. Ian finally got to tell him thank you for the beanbag chair that Country Boy got him for Christmas, which Ian loves.

He started talking….keeping his distance from me, we did a little “this is what’s been going on since you’ve been gone” type of conversation. I didn’t know how to act around him. Normally we’d be in a big hug at that point. He looks older. He said the stress and lack of being able to get any rest is wearing him down. He said he’s had a lot of injuries lately and showed me some new scars and such from work where he’s been so tired that he’s been almost clumsy at times and getting hurt. He has gained weight from eating at fast food places and he even showed me his hair, which is much grayer now, and even looks like he’s losing hair, and just as I thought it, he told me “my hair’s fallin out!” He said he was happy for me at my new job and hopes that works out well for me, he knows I needed something better.

Then we started talking about us. I think I needed to hear from him in person, face to face, what happened, why it just so abruptly ended, I guess in part to make sure it wasn’t ME….cause I’ve been feeling pretty down about it lately, more than I care to admit.

I guess my face showed my emotion, because he pulled me in for a big hug a little after we started talking. He said he’s sorry for hurting me, said if he had any idea it would’ve come to this he said he never would’ve started anything with me. He said “I’m not runnin the bars or leaving you for another woman if that’s what you’re thinking, you know I’m not that kind of person. I just literally have no time, darlin, I haven’t even had time to look for a place to live there in Ohio. Hell, I hardly have time to sleep” He said he’s not even sure what to do because they won’t give him a straight answer about anything, then he said he found out 2 weeks ago that they are cutting the local plant, downsizing by 1/8. The last time they cut employees, the outcome was all the crazy OT everyone was putting in when we first met, and now they are cutting it down by more. He said he wishes things were different, but its beyond his control and he didn’t think it was fair of him to ask me to wait for him when he can’t even say when he’d be able to see me since he doesn’t even know. He’s not had a day off since before Christmas. He said “I can’t even see my own family, my mom, the kids, because of this, so you know my first priority has to be to see them if and when I have free time, and it wouldn’t be fair to you.” He said “I’ve tried to think of ways to make it work, but when I don’t even have time to get in 5 hours of sleep in a row, no time to see my family, if I was to ask you to wait for me, it could be months on top of months before I even get the chance to see you for 15 minutes, like today, I happened to have some time in between, I called you because I know the right thing to do is to talk to you in person and not end things over the phone like I did.” I didn’t want him to see me cry. He saw it and gave me a big hug again and kissed my forehead and whispered in my ear “I’m so sorry, darlin, I never meant to hurt you, please know that.” then he pulled away a little and did the thing he used to do, he put his hands on my face and said “you’re still beautiful”. 😦 He said he felt crummy about ending things like that. He said he wanted me to know that if this Ohio thing never happened, we would still be seeing each other, he said he wants to be sure that I know it is nothing I did. He said this many times, I guess worried of what I was thinking. He said he wants me to stay in contact with him, because he cares so much for Ian and myself and hopes I don’t hate him. He said “Darlin, I even thought about relocation, but I haven’t even been able to find a place to live yet, and with Ian and all I know that would be a big decision, and you just got this great job, I didn’t want you to give that up just for me. If you stay at that job, the pay is what you’ve needed, a great health care plan, and asking you to give all that up and uproot your kid to move to a place that makes Ravenswood look like a big city, and not knowing how much time I’d actually be able to spend with you, working and on-call 24/7, not sure if I’d be there a year or two or more the way this local plant is slowly downsizing…it just wouldn’t be fair to ya, darlin, hell I ain’t even sure how long I’ll be living there, so you’d have to uproot the kid more than once.” He said he knows it hurts to hear that, as he could see by my reaction, but he said he feels that it wouldn’t be fair to me because I wouldn’t be happy from being uprooted and not knowing anyone there and him being gone so much, and he feels that HE wouldn’t be happy because he wouldn’t be able to treat me the way he wanted to.

I know he’s right, but it hurt hearing it, too.

So, I cried, he looked me in the eyes a lot like he used too, hugged me like he used to, held me a little bit, and before I knew it the 15 minutes was up, and 15 minutes later than he was supposed to stay he finally said “well, Darlin, I don’t want to go, but I have to. I’m sorry I hurt ya darlin, please know if it wasn’t for this Ohio thing it’d be different.” And then he had to go.

I hadn’t cried in a long time over this breakup, but seeing him in person and knowing that its a done deal, and missing him, I was so sad and cried a lot. Poor Ian didn’t understand, he said “mommy why are you crying? You just saw Al so you shouldn’t miss him anymore.” I told him “I know, baby, it was good to see him again, and he was so happy you liked his Christmas present.” and I changed the subject for Ian.

I cried some more later, I text messaged Willie to let him know what happened. He was there for me as best he could through TXT msg since he was still at work, lol.

Then he said the same thing that I’ve heard so many times in all the times I’ve cried over a guy: things like “you’ll find someone better” and “There’s someone out there meant for you” or all that. But, the truth is, no one knows that for sure. I found guys who acted like they were great guys, but over time their true self came out. I’ve found guys who are good guys, but they rarely want to be with me in a relationship, they just want to be friends. At that point it was self-pity and fear of being hurt yet again.

I’m not in love with Country Boy, but my thinking last night was “I can’t even keep THE NICE GUY around! I can’t keep the good ones and the ones I want to stay always leave, and the ones I don’t want or need just won’t leave me alone.” Remember my last post, about the conversation with other guys online who know I’m no longer seeing Country Boy? That’s how it goes EVERY DAY, and hearing that when you’re a fat girl may at first make ya feel like hey, someone still wants to be with me, but after dating someone like Country Boy, someone willing to take things slow, someone with the same moral values as me, same family values, someone who just has a kind heart and a lot of love to give, yet is still a smart-ass and funny at all the right times, someone who actually WANTS to hear how your day went, helps when he can, understands about being a single parent, someone gentle to you, the way I’ve never been treated by an adult man…..after dating someone like that, to go from that to hearing guys every day talking just about sex with me, it started to make me feel UGLY, like that’s all I’m good for. That’s how I’ve been feeling since around the new year when Country Boy first told me we couldn’t see each other and these other guys started talking like that, just feeling that I’m only good for sex, talk about self pity!

Ian gave me a hug when he’d see a tear form and said “Mommy, I’ll never leave you.” I swear this kid has saved me from self-pity and depression so many times, without even knowing it. I love this kid, my 4 year old is my hero, go figure.

So, after a lot of crying and self-pity, I came to a realization. I thought a lot about things I’ve said over the past few months, since I was dating Country Boy till now, things I’ve said to friends, observations friends have made….

and I realized something….this break up was a good thing. I wasn’t truly happy.

WHAT?!? Did I just say that?

YEP…..hello open eyes, hello realization! Yes, that’s right, I wasn’t truly happy. If you read back in my blog from the first time I started seeing Country Boy, which was this summer, July….you’ll see it too. I even re-read a lot of it last night.

Even up until the end, I was telling my friends Bill, Mike and Willie that I hate how little time we spent together, how much I like him, but I don’t like the time issue blah blah blah. Of course, I stayed because he was a good guy, and I didn’t want his busy life with work and farm and family to be a reason to leave someone, not him, not a great guy. If he was a jerk I wouldn’t have put up with it. BUT, the fact that I complained about it SO OFTEN showed my friends that while he’s a good guy and I did care for him, that I wasn’t completely happy. As my friend Bill put it “He may be a great guy, but he may not be YOUR great guy. You deserve to be happy and there’s someone out there who is right for you.” and in another e-mail from my friend Bill he mentioned how we were both miserable, he said “I just broke up with a girl who pretended to be a great girl, but wasn’t, and you have a great guy who I don’t get to see”, and another eye-opener for me, he said another time that just because Country Boy is a great guy doesn’t mean than I should stay if I’m not happy and nothing can be done to change the circumstances right now about the lack of time together, he said “you want to be happy, not pacified.” So, realization struck, too, last night that while I’m sad because a great guy had to leave, I was glad to know and realize IT WASN’T BECAUSE OF ME, IT WASN’T SOMETHING I DID, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. That felt GREAT to know and FEEL that its true. Self pity party over!

Now don’t get me wrong, I still am sad because of losing out on a great guy, BUT I’m also looking forward to hopefully meeting another one someday. I know whoever I date after this HAS A LOT TO LIVE UP TO NOW. I finally was treated, after all these years, the way I WANTED TO be treated all along. Even though we didn’t get to spend much time together, I got a glimpse of what I’ve always wanted in a relationship, and knowing that its possible and I’m still young enough to get it is a good feeling. I’m still scared, though, of opening up my heart yet again to someone new, but like Country Boy said in the beginning of us dating, if I don’t try, I’ll never know. So, hopefully it will happen. In the mean time I’m sure I’ll be lonely from time to time, but I don’t want to settle for less. At the same time, what the hell do I do with all this “in my peak” libido I’ve got going on? LOL.

I’m done crying, I don’t feel as sad at all as I did last night. I needed to see Country Boy one last time like that, talk to him face to face, GET CLOSURE, and I finally did, and now I feel like I can move on.

Where to now, though? Do I wait a while and put myself out on those damn singles internet sites again? Or not be as “active” in that dating roll and wait for someone to find ME? Yes, I met Country Boy online. Hey, don’t judge, look at my situation, I’m a single mom who had no friends in this town because I’ve only lived here a couple of years and WORKED FROM HOME, so up until this year when Ian started soccer, I DIDN’T KNOW ANYONE except my parents and my then-high-school aged sister and her friends, no one my age. I waited 2-1/2 years after my separation from my ex and never in that time met ONE SINGLE PERSON. I finally broke down and went to the online dating sites, and met a few guys here and there in the next year. So, now, this time around, what do I do? What should my next step be? Where do I go from here? Anyone have any suggestions? I still live in the small town, and yeah I work in a hospital…but its in the next small town over, a bit bigger than here, but still small town. {{Hahaha, you guys have probably heard of the place…..POINT PLEASANT, WEST VIRGINIA….think Mothman, haha. They have a damn STATUE of the “Mothman” based on “witness drawings” from back in the day. Hmmmm, lol.}}

So, any suggestions on what my next step should be when I decide to take that plunge? Any advice? Any input/thoughts?


1 Comment »

  1. I think you should get out more often to meet freinds and go out and get out the apt…it’s too bad you are by yourself up there..see if you were here we could meet all sorts of people….i would start dating when you feel you are ready…glad you got closure…that’s always a plus and who knows maybe it will start up again if he ever gets to move back or figures out what the hell they gonna do with his ass

    Comment by Greta — February 9, 2006 @ 8:36 pm | Reply

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