Diana Banana Pancakes

June 4, 2007

I need to breathe…..

Filed under: Uncategorized — dianabananapancakes @ 1:56 am

First off, I’ve taken off some “love songs” on the player, not all, lol, but added some new songs…seeing any patterns in the newest songs? New songs are on the bottom of the list, hehe….

OK……I have so much going on that I feel like I’m gonna burst any minute now….I don’t think I can handle any more going on….

Ok, what should I start with? How about what you already know…

My car has been in the shop for a week. Its a small town deal…they are STUMPED, literally that is the word they used…they can’t figure out what is wrong with the car. So, they keep trying…I’m worried I will need to get another car. My step-mom in her infinite wisdom said “have you ever considered getting a used car?” No, I’m stupid and can’t think beyond this one car….of course I have, but you’d have to have MONEY to get a used car, and she mentioned a loan, but with getting a loan means having full coverage car insurance, which will add 2 things to my monthly bills that I cannot afford. Duh! Like I haven’t already thought about that shit! ugh!

So, still working the 2 jobs, that’s stressful enough.

So, lets move on to the newer things….

I feel like such a fool…all I will say is all the reasoning I was given for why he ended it with me, now doesn’t make sense because he is dating again and supposedly has a girlfriend already. This is the man who wanted me to move in with him…the man who asked me AFTER we broke up if I would consider going to see him again….I’m hurt, I feel betrayed, lied to, just absolutely hurt. His best friend said he is still trying to “find his path” and that he isn’t ready for any relationship….so I guess I was the launch pad, the first girl in the dating world for him after being devoted to a woman for about 16 years….I guess I was technically a rebound girl? hurts, and I know I will get over it, but this this it was different…this time, this one I made plans with, plans for a move across country, I told my family about these possible plans, I told my son so he wouldn’t be suddenly uprooted with no idea…just told him its possible we might move to California someday….left it that much in the air…. With all the hurt I’m feeling, however, I’m grateful for one simple thing….that all this happened BEFORE I uprooted my child and moved across country. Yes, I’d love to move back to california, but I can’t do it only because I just want to go now….I have to have something to go to, someone, something…so I’m grateful it didn’t happen then. I’ve gone from hurt, to sadness and sobbing, to numb, to anger, and back and forth. The more I talk about it, the easier it is, but the hurt is still there…especially at night or first thing in the morning, when I’m awake and alone…it hits me like a ton of bricks…less than amonth after breaking up with me because he supposedly isn’t ready and is depressed…he’s already dating again, he tells me he loves me, but he’s not ready, and then he’s already dating again….I had to let this all out…

I think my other stressors are helping to make me even more sad….I’ve felt all this stress and like the last 2-3 months have just been one thing of bad news or stress after another….

Ian’s last day of school is Wednesday…his last soccer game was this past Saturday, and his last T-ball game is this coming Thursday…so I was looking forward to having Ian there all day with me, when he’s here, he makes me laugh, I figured it would help to have the distraction of him here and my work to keep me from thinking about the stress, the finances, the car, JAMES…all of it….instead of me here by myself in this apartment.

Instead…I’ll be stuck here….alone…why?

Because the ex-husband just called today…he called a few weeks back saying he wants to have Ian for a couple of weeks this summer, after also just telling me he had to have his dad help him pay for rent. His gf is 8 or 9 months pregnant and hasn’t worked since a little before she found out she was pregnant. He works now, but at like McDonald’s or something. And no, still haven’t paid a single dime of child support. I could totally go after them for that…but I haven’t. He can’t even take care of himself. I complain about it, but I also haven’t really gone after him about it because its MY hassel, I’d have to take time off work to go to the place to fill out the application, then I’d have to take time off work another day to go BACK for an interview/appointment after they’ve reviewed my application, THEN they’d have to find him and make him pay…too much hassel for me right now. Hell, I dont even have a car to go right now anyway, the office I have to go to is 20 minutes outside of town…my car barely makes it a few blocks to the grocery store or Ian’s school.

So, this time he called and said he wants to take Ian THIS SATURDAY…It floored me because after he first brought it up, he called 1 time since then and never said anything more about it. He’s never kept Ian for more than 3 days, and that 3 days was only 1 time, 1 weekend in Ian’s 6 years of life. He wants Ian for “2 weeks or something” I said, “THIS weekend?” and he said, yeah, why do you have something planned?” No, I didn’t, but that’s kinda last minute for a 2 week “or soemthing”. Ian’s never been with him that long, away from me that long, I have to prepare him for that! He hasn’t seen his dad since February, I have to prepare him for seeing his dad for 2 weeks and not me. Its not like he sees his dad every other weekend or every weekend, because he doesn’t, so I can’t just pack Ian and say “wel, have fun” without preparing him. I didn’t mention it before because the last few months when the ex said he wanted Ian for the weekend hewould cancel or never make definite plans. I learned years ago not to tell Ian anything until I knew FOR SURE he was coming down to get Ian. So, his “2 weeks or something” wasn’t flying with me, so I told him he has to pick a start date and an end date. He finally picked this weekend and bring Ian back June 24….2 weeks…then he talked to Ian for a bit and found out Ian’s last t-ball game is on thursday, so then he gets back on the phone with me and decides that if he gets off work on time, he will just come to Ian’s t-ball game and then take Ian home from there until the 24th! I told him that the coach mentioned possibly having a end-of-season party for the kids, but nothing definite has been mentioned, and I didn’t know when this would happen, so lets wait and see because Ian would want to go, he said well let me know if you find out anything….ugh.

So, on top of all the other stress, I get to worry even more because I will worry about Ian for the next 2 weeks. We have no health insurance, so 2 weeks with the ex….in a place I’ve never seen. I finally have a mailing address though, but no house number because its a rural street, everything is Route whatever and box whatever, no house number. I know the area he lives, but not the exact place. I told him that we do not have health insurance, and so he has to be careful, so if Ian gets sick or hurt while he’s in his care, he will have to take care of it. Technically, according to the parenting plan, I’m supposed to take care of so much percentage which is higher than what the ex is supposed to pay….becaues at that time he had insurance through the state (Ian did)…and the ex is supposed to pay child support…but he hasn’t paid, so its not like he’s gonna take me to court for anything….BUT, it makes me worry that he will not be in my sight. Then he informs me that he bought a pool so they can go swimming every day for “free”…well I asked him to be careful and to start to teach Ian swimming stuff because he doesn’t know how to swim. See, my plan was to start teaching him at the city pool that is opening this weekend coming up….we were gonna get season passes and go as many times a week as we could so he could start learning….but for now he will start off with the ex….ugh….so, while he had to borrow money to pay rent, they could buy a pool. Ya like how that works? And I’m pretty sure he didn’t pay his dad back who helped him pay the rent, because he never did the whole time we were together.

Grandma is BACK in the hospital, and she has been reamed and chewed out by my grandpa. She is our “step-grandma”….and she is always talking crap about us if we don’t do something the way she likes it. Well, this time Grandpa got fed up and chewed her out about it. He has been very tempermental, I know its because he’s frustrated and anxious about his and her health, and seeing her treat his kids that way has made him even more frustrated and anxious, and now finding out he has his cancer that came back only this time in his spine….I’m emotionally worried over that, too.

anyway, so THAT has been my life….I’m stressed, I’m emotional, I feel overwhelmed, overworked, and like if anything else happens, I feel like I will just hide in my room and cry till I pass out or something. I need great sex and a full body massage….a margarita, someone to cook me dinner, some good laughs with some people, some adult conversation in person….a vacation….

Well, at least I will have the vacation in a little less than 2 months…I will just have to work my butt off until then to make enough money to do things….

Oh yeah, today my dad’s family came in to talk about Hawaii. Not everyone who was going was there, but 12 out of the 20 going were there…it was good, a great distraction talking about Hawaii and the places we want to try to go as a family, its hard to coordinate 20 people, hell we couldn’t even get 20 people to show up to 1 house to set up dates and stuff so we knew when we would do things as a family, so we didn’t set up dates, but the people there talked about what we wanted to do at least and made a list of places we’d like to try to do as a family, including of course a luau. We talked about the wedding (my cousin and her fiance will be getting married there), which they got engaged after the hawaii family vacation was set into motion, lol. We also set up who was going to sleep where in the house we’re renting…you know this one? Da Pink House on Da Beach.

So, that visit from the family today, and Ian’s sports games yesterday, were the only good side to this entire week….which seemed to get worse instead of better. For me personally anyway.

Oh yeah, and I lost some weight this week…so that’s also a good. 🙂

Wish me luck. Send me strength to not let all the stress get to me and keep me pushing forward like I usually do.



  1. da pink house looks awsome! hang in there D

    Comment by ~art — June 4, 2007 @ 1:35 pm | Reply

  2. It looks like a great place to unwind!
    You’ll get there girlie, just remember that you deserve the best, and after everything that has happened I believe that being with James would have been you settling for something less than the best. I know everyone has their faults, but lying isn’t one you should tolerate and isn’t hindsight always 20/20? I believe he meant a lot of what he said, but not being man enough to come to you and tell you he was seeing someone after leaving you hanging on…. that just sucked! I know you love him, but I believe everything happens for a reason.

    Just keep thinking… HAWAII!!!

    Comment by Bekah — June 4, 2007 @ 2:18 pm | Reply

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