Diana Banana Pancakes

February 25, 2008

An emotional Sunday….

Filed under: Uncategorized — dianabananapancakes @ 10:29 pm

This is just copy/pasted from an e-mail I wrote to someone I told about this weekend, its long, but I still feel the need to get it all out….I’m good today and all, just Sunday was more emotional than I bargained for….

I myself had a very long, very emotional day. I’m wore out, yet wide awake. I’ve been up since 3 am because I worked, but as soon as I got done working at 11, jumped in the shower and dad and my step-mom picked Ian and myself up to head to Beckley. My grandpa and most of my dad’s side of the family live there. Grandpa’s not been doing so well. He’s my only living biological grandparent, and the only one I’ve ever known. I knew my step-parents’ parents, but grandpa is my only biological grandparent I’ve ever know. I last saw him at christmas. He’s had a rough year with cancer and many bouts with pneumonia and in and out of the hospital. He had done good until winter and then got worse again. Now he’s bad. He’s having bouts of confusion where he doesn’t recognize people. He has been saying in the last couple of days that he sees angels flying around sometimes, and that he sees a face on the wall, and that he sees my uncle Billy, who passed away 8 or 9 years ago. I was prepared that he might not recognize me, but when we got there, he’s already hard of hearing, and his speech is slurred, he’s in a wheelchair and can’t walk or move much on his own, his sight is bad now as well. Just 2 months ago at Christmas he was up and walking around, joking like he does and talking and laughing and lovin on his family. It was hard to see, even though I thought I was prepared because I got e-mail updates from my cousin who is a nurse who helps with his care. I figured he didnt recognize me at first, and that was ok, until my step-mom decided to ask grandpa if he knew who I was. Now, grandpa’s hard of hearing, you literally have to have a loud raised voice right next to his ear, so here she’s yelling in his ear “do you remember her?” and everyone’s looking. My middle name is Lynn, and I have an aunt named Lynn, she’s always been Big Lynn and I was Little Lynn growing up…so here my step-mom is asking if he remembers little lynn, and grandpa’s leaning close to me to see and I could see in his eyes he didn’t recognize me….it was so hard to look in his eyes and see no recognition, and he said “i don’t know” I had to get up and leave the room because she kept asking him about 5 or 6 times and he kept saying I don’t know, and so I left, I had to go outside so Ian wouldn’t see me cry. I broke down in tears. Just 2 months ago he was saying “give me big hugs little lynn” and he was loving on some Ian. He recognized Ian after about 10 minutes, but not me. I couldn’t hold my composure, so I went and holed up in my dad’s van and let myself have a big cry. My sister soon after came out almost hyperventilating. She’s 20, the baby of us kids. so I texted my other sister in CAlifornia and told her about grandpa not recognizing me and she called and so I had me and my youngest sister (she’s our half sister) in the van bawling, and my sister on the phone from california crying….amanda (the 20 year old half sister) and I ended up holed up in the van for about an hour. I didn’t want Ian to see me crying and have to explain to him why I was upset. He’s not used to seeing his mom cry out of the blue like that. Last time I cried out of the blue it freaked him out, we were leaving my mom and step-dad at the airport in Hawaii and I started crying, and Ian saw me and freaked out, starting crying and asking why I’m crying and he’s scared. I had to explain that I just miss mom and dad already etc. This time my stupid step-mom kept sending him out to the van and I kept telling him to stay in the house where its warm and we’d be out soon, but she kept sending out and finally I just let him in the van and he could see I was crying, he asked what was wrong and I said that girls just cry sometimes and that we were sad because grandpa was sick and he seemed OK with that answer and said grannie keeps sending him out to us, so he stayed with us. We finaly went back in. I hoped by the time we left that he would recognize me, it was eating me up inside. finally about 30 minutes before we were supposed to leave, he asked me to sit next to him and he still didn’t recognize me, and then he dozed off, and then he woke up and looked at me and his eyes started tearing up and he said “how long have you been here?” and I said “for a while now” and I was holding his hand, and he said “I love you so much little lynn” and I told him I loved him too. he was crying and held my hand so tight. I took a picture of my hand in his. I know, totally lame, but I want to remember when he recognized me and held my hand tight. He wouldn’t let my hand go for the next 30 minutes, every time he would doze off, he woke wake up andlook at me and smile and then tell me he loves me and he appreciates that I was spending time with him, and hold my hand tighter. My heart was both heavy and happy….heavy that he’s so ill and weak and sad, and happy that he recognized me before we had to go. He kept asking why we were leaving, and we told him so he could rest, it was 6:30 when we left and still had a 2 hr drive ahead of us. We ended up eating dinner with one of dad’s sisters who came in from Maryland, so we just got home now about 10:15 pm. I’m still so conflicted, scared of losing him, sad at seeing how bad he’s gotten in 2 months, while just up until a couple of weeks ago he was fine, but I couldn’t go see him the last 2 weeks my parents went because I had the flu and didn’t want to get him sick, and my heart hurt so badly seeing no recognition of me in his eyes….I think that hurt worse than any heartbreak I’ve ever had. but, thankfully he recognized me before we left and kept telling me that he loved me so much and holding my hand tight.

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