Diana Banana Pancakes

June 28, 2008

ranting thoughts, vivid memories, loser ex

Filed under: ex,Ian — dianabananapancakes @ 9:06 pm

my ex is a dumbfuck…he doesn’t think about anyone but himself. Even though he’s not with me anymore (THANK THE LORD!!) his actions are now affecting my son. My ex’s gf left him because he apparently got someone else pregnant, while they were together. She called me to tell me yesterday. the reason this affects my son? The ex and his gf have a daughter who is not yet 1, she will turn 1 next month…and he doesn’t do much in the way of helping to take care of our son, and now he’s left this gf of his and got someone else pregnant, supposedly. He denies its his, but even if its not his, he’s leaving his gf and her baby, and not being around much for my son, only to be with a girl who is pregnant? either way, he’s an ass, and his actions will affect my son. I told my son that the ex’s gf was moving out and that her and his daddy got in a fight and she won’t be living there anymore, and he said first “what about my sister?” and I told him she will live with her mommy because she takes good care of her, and Ian said “will I get to see her?’

breaks my heart that I HAVE TO BE CONCERNED about my son’s half-sibling because the ex has no regard for either of his children…and now my son apparently has another half-sibling that he might never know. All because a stupid, lazy, deadbeat, pothead, druggie, con-man of a loser guy, not even a MAN, can’t keep his fucking dick in his pants, can’t put a condom on, and has no regard at all for anyone but himself. When he can’t handle a situation he just ups and leaves and shacks up with someone else. I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m the stupid one that married him….but in the end I have Ian, who is a great kid, happy, loving, caring, and always wanting to make people laugh, I have him, and his loser, bad-choice of a father has no idea what a great kid he has, and a happy daughter he has in the other child, because he doesn’t want the responsibility.

everything the ex’s gf told me brought back very vivid memories of what I went through with him myself, and even though I don’t feel sorry for her because she took him back, what I do feel is empathy because I’ve been there. I’ve been the girl pushed around, I’ve been the girl trying to reason with his drugged, high, drunk ass, I’ve been the girl pleading for him to be the man he made me think he was, long enough to get into my house and my finances….I’ve been the girl who lost herself because he constantly goes from making you feel like a princess to turning around and making you feel like an ugly fat cow. I admit that to this day I still have major insecurities that I’m sure are related to his treatment of me….so I feel empathy for her. The words he used on her, “fat”, “lazy” and saying things like he dares her to leave, that she would have to use the army to get him out, because he won’t leave, saying things like she got pregnant on purpose to tie him down, saying things like “go ahead, leave, no one wants a fat bitch with a kid”….those words he said to me too, and last night I felt sad for her, and it made me sad, too, thinking of how this will affect Ian, how once again its up to ME to pick up the pieces of damage he bestowes on my child by trying to maintain contact with HIS ex gf so that my son will not be estranged from his (so far) only sibling he has, and from the sister he loves and talks about a lot….why is this MY responsibility? I’m not the one who is fucking up and lying nd cheating and stealing and doing drugs and not giving a shit about anyone but myself, that’s not ME, that’s HIM….

I do it for my son, who doesn’t deserve to have a father like that…a father who lies, cheats, steals, does drugs, drinks, abuses his women and then turns around and for a while to just keep enough control makes them feel like a princess for a while only to turn around and smash them to the ground again….My son deserves a role model, a man who will show him the real way you’re supposed to treat someone you love, the real way to love a spouse, a man who will show him you’re supposed to be responsible, and you can still have fun in life with little in life. I’m doing my best to show my son those things, but I’m only a woman and I cant show him things a man can show him, I can only do so much. How do I explain to him that his dad fucked up and now we have to adjust again? I can’t.

Ian’s not stupid. He’s 7, but he catches on quickly. He overheard my conversation with Samantha, while he was supposed to be playing outside he came back inside and heard….when I got off the phone he said “dad cheated on her, huh?” I asked him how he knew what that word is and he said he doesn’t know, but when I asked him what it means he said “doesn’t it mean he has another girlfriend when he already had one?” he’s smart….someday he will be disappointed again by his dad when he realizes what kind of man he is. I pray that he doesn’t see me as a disappointment by trying to do what I can and not having all the money to do what I want for him.

Sorry for his complete ramble, I just needed to get it out SOMEWHERE….

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