Diana Banana Pancakes

August 18, 2009

Sometimes I miss blogging…

Filed under: Uncategorized — dianabananapancakes @ 7:33 pm

This blog started off over at blogspot. I had it for about 4 years I believe now? It started as a soundboard for me, a place to vent, to relieve stress, to show off my kiddo, to spill my heart out anonymously… It was great when I first moved to this small town and didn’t know anyone, it was a great place to do all those things. Sometimes I miss it. I had an anonymous freedom in blogging. People could see my face and knew my first name, but they didn’t know where I was, I could blog about anything and everything that ever bothered me and I would get feedback. I loved getting feedback. I’ve made a good friend through the blogosphere, too.

Sometimes I miss that outlet, and I think I need to re-discover it again, hopefully gain a few readers who will give me some input or opinions, or share experiences…kinda like a support group of sorts, haha.

So, here I am, I’m 35 now. I’ll be 36 on Halloween…yikes. In this stage in my life, I had hoped to be in a different place, but life does things and I’d like to think everything happens for a reason, or at least there are signs and paths you are pointed towards, and you chose one and see where it leads…something like that.

I’ve reached my goal of paying off my debt! yes! Then I acquired new debt in the form of a new car, which was much needed, so I think it will both provide me with what I need in a car, and help me rebuild my credit. My next big financial goal is to own a home. It doesn’t have to be big or fancy, but it has to be MINE. I want to own a home, a dream I’ve had for years. I would love it to be before Ian is out of school, haha. So, for now rebuilding my credit and going to start saving for a home. Next goal for sure!

As I mentioned before, I met a guy. He is so great. He treats me the way I’ve always wanted to be treated, he gave me that glimpse of the type of man I’ve wanted in my life. Around him, I feel happy, pretty, relaxed, like ME. I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not. I’ve fallen in love with him…hard. It scares me sometimes, but at the same time, it feels so right I can’t help but to just take this path and pray its where I’m supposed to be. If it is, it will work out in the end, if not, I will just enjoy the way this relationship makes me feel. Its all a secret right now, keeping it on the “down low” yo…long story short, in a few weeks we can slowly let the world know…or at least our small town, haha, that we are a couple.

Hard to believe, but there is already someone trying to ruin it, and its not even his ex-wife. Its someone both of us had trusted with confidential info, confided in, shared stress and personal situations with, and this person is turning around and trying to put a wedge between us, and she doesn’t even know that we are an item yet. Why would someone do that to a person, to PEOPLE, who have come to her in trust and confidence about things? She got to me…in my insecurity and my wish to keep this man for as long as he will let me, she got to me. She got in my head and planted a seed of doubt, of worry…mostly worry for my heart. I love this man, and he says he loves me, he shows me he does, but this woman claims he isn’t over his ex-wife. He says he is, and for the most part I feel he is…maybe its because our relationship is still a secret, it makes me feel insecure about it. Im not sure, I just know that I had a bad dream about it even, and woke up feeling sad. I can’t believe I let her get in my head. gah. Damn insecurities!

I told him all about what she said, and he told me she is just jealous and trying to get a wedge in between us, and he said that I love him, and he loves me, and if we just keep communication open and work together, she can’t get to us. It bothers him more than he trusted this person as a friend and that she didn’t value that friendship like he did…in a way I feel bad for having told him everything because I feel like I did to his friendship what she is trying to do to our relationship, put a huge wedge in there. He assures me he is glad I told him because he doesn’t know what she is saying to who, and he said if she is airing any of his dirty laundry to anyone, then with friends like that who needs enemies. I still feel bad to have put a wedge there, because it makes me feel like I did what she is trying to do to me and him, but he says its not the same, that I did the right thing telling him what she said.

I told my mom about him, this man I’m in love with. I didn’t tell her I’m in love with him, she is worried about me as it is since I’m so extremely guarded with my heart that I don’t usually let someone in, so knowing I’ve fallen in love with someone so fast, she might get more scared, haha. I told my sisters about him, but only one sister knows I’m in love with him. I hate that its a secret relationship right now, but I understand the reasons. My step-mom came by my kiddo’s football practice, and my man said he saw her there and wanted to talk to her, but couldn’t because its a secret. He told me he hates having to hide it…someone we both know, a fellow parent whose kid is also on the little kids football team, was trying to figure out who my guy is dating. He said she thinks its me because she looked in my direction or something when she was trying to figure it out…I don’t know if she thinks its me or not, but he said it was felt good to kinda get it out a little. I hope he still feels that way when we don’t have to keep it a secret anymore. I hate hiding things. Of course, where the kids are concerned (he has 2 kids, and they are friends with my kiddo) it will still be more or less a secret still, until we know for sure we are going to be in this together for the long term, which is totally understandable and I agree with.

Football – My kiddo is LOVING football! He has his first real game with scores and stats on Sunday, he’s so excited, even though he knows being new he might not get much play time, he’s excited still. He’s proud to have his jersey and says “I’m officially a footballer” all the time. I love that little kiddo and so happy to see him so excited about football.

Work is going great, and I’m actually gonna get off this blog to go work a little OT. Start that savings up, ya know. 🙂

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